The dumbest Kid

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a £5 coin in one hand and two £1 coins (1+1=2) in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the two £1 coins and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question?

Why did you take two £1 coins instead of £5 coin?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because THE DAY I TAKE THE £5 COIN, THE GAME IS OVER."

Moral of the Story: When you think the other person is dumb, you are making a fool of yourself.

Bond.. James Bond

On a flight James bond was sitting next to a Telugu guy.
>
> Telugu Guy: "Hello, May I know your name please?"
> James Bond: "My name is Bond" Continuing in his inimitable style, "......James Bond."
>
> Then Bond asks: "And you?"
>
> Telugu Guy: "My name is Rao...
> Siva Rao...
> Samba Siva Rao...
> Venkata Samba Siva Rao...
> Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao...
> Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao...
> Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao...
> Vijayawada Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao..."
>
> Since then when anyone asks Bond his name he simply says "James Bond"

Huband n Wife...

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........
"HEBREWS"

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Grass Eater

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!" "But sir, I have a wife and four children..." "Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"

Gordon Brown Fan !

A teacher asked her class how many of them were Gordon Brown fans.

Not really knowing what a Gordon Brown fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...again.

Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not a Gordon Brown fan.'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Gordon Brown fan?'

Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Conservative.'

The teacher asked him why he's a Conservative.

Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mum's a Conservative and my Dad's a Conservative, so I'm a Conservative.'


Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your Mum was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'



Little Johnny replied, 'A Gordon Brown fan.'

Choosing Password

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT by my bank, they found that I was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin


When they asked me why I had such a long password

I replied
''Are you bloomin' stupid? I was told that my password had to
be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''

Eleven People on a Rope

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. Ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping

The Right Tie

While we were working at a men's clothing store, a customer asked my coworker to help her pick out a tie that would make her husband's blue eyes stand out.

"Ma'am," he explained, "any tie will make blue eyes stand out if you tie it tight enough.

Hundreds for one

One train which was going peacefully on the rail-tracks suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the fields nearby and then came back on the tracks. The passengers were horrified.

On the next Railway station the driver was caught: He was questioned how the incident happened.

He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving from there even after lots of honks etc.

Then authorities questioned : Are you mad! just to save life of one person you put life of so many passengers under danger. You should have overran that person.

The driver replied: “Exactly, that is what I also decided, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close.”

Car driver

A car owner taking interview of a driver and finally he told, “OK. you are selected and you will get $ 2000 as starting salary.”

The driver answered, “You are great Sir ! For starting if $2000 then for driving how much sir?

Saving a president

One day Bush was out jogging and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river.
Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, “Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I’ll give it to you.”

The first boy said, “Please, I’d like a ticket to Disneyland!”

“I’ll personally hand it to you,” said Bush. “I’d like a pair of Nike Air Turbos,” the second boy said.
“I’ll buy them myself and give them to you,” said Bush. “And I’d like a wheelchair with a stereo in it,” said the third boy.

“I’ll personally … wait a second, son, you’re not handicapped!”

“No, but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved from drowning.”

Dracula’s test

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner!

So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood.

Dracula says, “Congratulations, how did you do that?” The bat said, “Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family.”

“Very good” said Dracula.

The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Astonished Dracula says, “How did you do that?”

The bat replies, “Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children.”

“Impressive” said Dracula.

Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned.

“How on earth did you do that?” he asked.

And the bat replies, “Do you see this tower?”

Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says, “Well, I didn’t.”

Confidential fax

Manager: “Do you know anything about this fax-machine?”

Staff: “A little. What’s wrong sir?”

Manager: “Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened.”

Staff: “How did you load the sheet?”

Manager: “I didn’t want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it.”

Intellegent father

Banta and and son went fishing one day. Sitting in the boat for a couple of hours gave them not much to do, so the son started thinking about the world around him. He began to get curious so he asked his father some questions.

“How does this boat float?”

Banta thought for a moment, then replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”

The boy returned to his contemplation, but soon came up with another one, “How do fish breath underwater?”

Once again Banta replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”

A little later the boy asked Banta, “Why is the sky blue?”

Again, Banta replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he said, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?”

Banta immediately assured him, “Of course not, son. If you don’t ask questions, you’ll never learn anything!”

How to go to Heaven

I asked the children in my Sunday School class, “If I sold my house and my car, held a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?”

“No!” the children all answered.

Then I said, “If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?”

Again, the answer was, “No!”

“Well,” I continued, “Then how can I get to heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “You gotta be dead!”

The Broken doll

Little Emily, the minister’s daughter, ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.

“What’s wrong, dear?” asked the pastor.

“My doll! Billy broke it!” she sobbed.

“How did he break it, Emily?”

“I hit him over the head with it.”

Train Crash

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”

Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”

“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.

“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there”, answers Tom.

“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.

“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”

“What if the phone was busy?”

“In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station”.

“What if that had been vandalized?”

“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo”.

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”

“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”

Ideal Husband

In A Bar, A Man Attend Da Call Of A Ringing Mobile.
Man: Hello!
Wife: Darling Shall I Buy 1 Diamond Ring?
Man: Sure Honey!
Wife: Shall I Use Your Credit Card For Crystal Pendant?
Man: Ok Dear!
Friends: Great To See That You Love Her So Much!
Man: Hmm... By The Way, Whose Mobile Is This?!?

Niagra falls

Guide: I Welcome You All To Niagra Falls. This Is The World's Largest Waterfall & The Sound Intensity Of The Waterfall Is So High, Even 20 Supersonic Planes Passing By Can't Be Heard!

Now May I Request The Ladies To Keep Quiet So That We Can Hear The Niagra Falls......."

School jokes

SCHOOL JOKES

HOW CHILDREN DRIVE THEIR TEACHERS CRAZY !

Laugh and the class laughs with you.
But you get detention alone !!

Mother: What did you learn in school today
Son: How to write
Mother: What did you write?
Son: I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet!


Teacher: Class, we will have only half days school this morning.
Class: Hooray
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon

Student: The brain is a wonder full thing
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Student: Because it starts working the second you get up in the morning and never stops until you get asked a question in class!

Teacher: Be sure that you go straight home
Student: I can't, I live just round the corner!