CD in drive:
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yes.
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen!
Tech support: OK, I see Aaaa!
White comp :
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
Left:
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Printer:
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
Password:
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
Anti-virus:
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
Screen Saver:
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
Showing posts with label jokes(english). Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes(english). Show all posts
Friday, October 1, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Perfection
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.
Question: Who was the survivor?
(Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)
v
v
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.
Question: Who was the survivor?
(Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)
v
v
The Court Reporter
Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down by court reporters
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Why did the chicken cross the road..???
MOHAMMED SAEED AL-SAHAF (COMICAL ALI):
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.
TONY BLAIR:
I agree with George.
HANS BLIX:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
MARTIN LUTHER KING Jr:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.
TONY BLAIR:
I agree with George.
HANS BLIX:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
MARTIN LUTHER KING Jr:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
You need money...??
Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son...
Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride".
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."
Next Jack approaches Bill Gates...
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case..."
Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank...
Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case....."
This is how business is done.
Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride".
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."
Next Jack approaches Bill Gates...
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case..."
Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank...
Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case....."
This is how business is done.
Company Procedure
Please read below:
Company Policy:
Effective from January 2005
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Company Policy:
Effective from January 2005
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Who wants 2 be a millionare.??
A contestant Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau.
If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
$1,000,000.
If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000
milestone money.
And as she suspected the Million Dollar Question was no pushover.
It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build
its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture
If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
$1,000,000.
If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000
milestone money.
And as she suspected the Million Dollar Question was no pushover.
It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build
its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture
What do u see..??
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
* Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
* Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
* Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
* Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
* Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
* Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
* Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
* Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
* Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
* Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!
* Practically, Someone has stolen our tent!"
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
IT husband
Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer.
Husband: (Returning late from work) “Good Evening Dear, I’m now logged in.”
Wife: Have you brought the grocery?
Husband: Bad command or file name.
Wife: But I told you in the morning
Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife: What about my new TV?
Husband: Variable not found…
Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied…
Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband: Too many parameters…
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband: Data type mismatch.
Wife: You are useless.
Husband: It’s by Default.
Wife: What about your Salary?
Husband: File in use… Try after some time.
Wife: What is my value in the family.
Husband: Unknown Virus.
Life chapters
6 weeks: I love U, I love U, I love U
6 months: Of course I love U
6 years: GOD, if I didn’t love U, then why the hell did I propose?
Back from Work:
6 weeks: Honey, I’m home
6 months: BACK!!
6 years: What did your mom cook for us today?
Gifts:
6 weeks: Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months: I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living Room.
6 years: Here’s the money. Buy yourself something.
Phone Ringing:
6 weeks: Baby,somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months: Here, for you.
6 years: PHONE RINGING.
Cooking:
6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years: AGAIN!!
Apology:
6 weeks: Honey muffin, don’t you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months: Watch out! Don’t do it again.
6 years: What’s not to understand about what I just said??
New Dress:
6 weeks: Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months: You bought a new dress again?
6 years: How much did THAT cost me?
Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks: How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound?
6 months: What’s so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years: Travel? What’s so bad about staying home?
TV Shows:
6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months: I like this movie.
6 years: I’m going to watch ESPN, if you’re not in the mood, go to Bed, I can stay up by myself!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Conversation...
between Condeliza Rice and George Bush featuring: Hu Jintao, President of China, UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan and the late PLO Chief Yasser Arafat.
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinese guy!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
Nutrition & Exercise: The Facts
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat; your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain....Good.
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat; your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain....Good.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
SMS jokes - 1
A lesson frm Grammer:
"The past will always be simple. The Future will always be Perfect & the Present will always be Tensed..!" :
Value of a true friend:
when u like 2 walk in the rain, i'll b there with an umbrella...
just 2 prevent SOIL EROSION from ur HEAD...
Happy news!
The world will not end in 2012 bcoz just now i saw a tomato ketchup bottle which expires in
2013....!
Smile plz...
:)
A really smart statement!..
.
"I may not always love all the girls who loved me....
But i surely do respect n appreciate their choice....!!"
Sucide tips 4 boys:-
1-Tk big rope tie it around ur neck & Hang ur self...
2-Slow deth; tk a small rope tie it on a girl"s neck n marry.
DEFINITION OF LAZINESS-
" It is the art of taking rest before getting tired ":
For The First Time In India,I Am Introducing A "3D" Msg In Ur Mobile.
.
Thank u-thank u,
no publicity please.
"The past will always be simple. The Future will always be Perfect & the Present will always be Tensed..!" :
Value of a true friend:
when u like 2 walk in the rain, i'll b there with an umbrella...
just 2 prevent SOIL EROSION from ur HEAD...
Happy news!
The world will not end in 2012 bcoz just now i saw a tomato ketchup bottle which expires in
2013....!
Smile plz...
:)
A really smart statement!..
.
"I may not always love all the girls who loved me....
But i surely do respect n appreciate their choice....!!"
Sucide tips 4 boys:-
1-Tk big rope tie it around ur neck & Hang ur self...
2-Slow deth; tk a small rope tie it on a girl"s neck n marry.
DEFINITION OF LAZINESS-
" It is the art of taking rest before getting tired ":
For The First Time In India,I Am Introducing A "3D" Msg In Ur Mobile.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"D D D"
Thank u-thank u,
no publicity please.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Numbered Jokes...
A new jail warden was being shown through the jailhouse by the old warden.
Soon, after making rounds around the rest of the jail, they get to the cafeteria. In one corner, he sees a group of elderly men laughing hysterically.
Interested, he watches them while the older warden gets his food. One of the men shouts out "63!" and the entire table bursts out laughing. The new warden is totally baffled by the behavior of them. "74!", again a chorus of guffaws ring out.
The old warden comes back to the table where the new warden sits staring, and the new warden asks "What are those elderly men doing."
The old warden smirks, and says, "Oh, those are the life timers. They've been in here so long, they just number their jokes."
Meanwhile another one calls out "2!". Nobody laughs.
The new warden leans over and asks, "What happened?" To this the old warden replied, "Some people just can't tell a joke."
Soon, after making rounds around the rest of the jail, they get to the cafeteria. In one corner, he sees a group of elderly men laughing hysterically.
Interested, he watches them while the older warden gets his food. One of the men shouts out "63!" and the entire table bursts out laughing. The new warden is totally baffled by the behavior of them. "74!", again a chorus of guffaws ring out.
The old warden comes back to the table where the new warden sits staring, and the new warden asks "What are those elderly men doing."
The old warden smirks, and says, "Oh, those are the life timers. They've been in here so long, they just number their jokes."
Meanwhile another one calls out "2!". Nobody laughs.
The new warden leans over and asks, "What happened?" To this the old warden replied, "Some people just can't tell a joke."
Monday, September 6, 2010
Confusing English....
Now i know why i failed in english.
It's not my fault but the silly language doesn't quite know whether it's coming or going
There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple...
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people
recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship?
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
When a house burns up, it burns down.
You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France.
How can 'slim chance and a fat chance' be the same, while ' wise man and a wise guy' are opposites?
Consider the following sentenses...
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
They were too close to the door to close it.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
It's not my fault but the silly language doesn't quite know whether it's coming or going
There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple...
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people
recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship?
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
When a house burns up, it burns down.
You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France.
How can 'slim chance and a fat chance' be the same, while ' wise man and a wise guy' are opposites?
Consider the following sentenses...
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
They were too close to the door to close it.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Its Kanth.... Rajanikanth
-Rajanikanth makes onions cry.
-Rajanikanth can delete the Recycling Bin.
-Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Rajanikanth’ PC will crash.
-Ghosts are actually caused by Rajanikanth killing people faster than Death can process them.
-Rajanikanth can build a snowman….. out of rain.
-Rajanikanth can strangle you with a cordless phone.
-Rajanikanth can drown a fish.
-Rajanikanth can play the violin…… …with a piano.
-When Rajanikanth enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,……… …. he turns the dark off.
-Rajanikanth once had a heart attack…… ……… his heart lost.
-When Rajanikanth looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Rajanikanth and Rajanikanth.
-Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Rajanikanth can throw Brett Favre even further.
-The last digit of pi is Rajanikanth. He is the end of all things.
-Rajanikanth does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
-Bullets dodge Rajanikanth.
-A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Rajanikanth and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
-Rajanikanth’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Rajanikanth.
-If you spell Rajanikanth wrong on Google it doesn’t say, “Did you mean Rajanikanth?” It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance.”
-Rajanikanth can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
-Once a cobra bit Rajanikanth’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
-When Rajanikanth gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
-Rajanikanth can kill two stones with one bird.
-Rajanikanth was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
-Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Rajanikanth can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.
-There is no such thing as global warming. Rajanikanth was cold, so he turned the sun up.
-Rajanikanth can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
-Rajanikanth has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.
-It takes Rajanikanth 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
-Rajanikanth once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
-In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Rajanikanth could use to kill you, including the room itself.
-Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Rajanikanth.
-Rajanikanth got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.
-With the rising cost of gasoline, Rajanikanth is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
-The square root of Rajanikanth is pain. Do not try to square Rajanikanth, the result is death.
-When you say “no one’s perfect”, Rajanikanth takes this as a personal insult
-Rajnikanth can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
-Rajnikanth can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
-Rajnikanth will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
-Rajnikanth once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
-Rajnikanth email id is gmail@rajnikanth.com....
-Outer space exists because itsw afraid to be on the same planet with Rajnikant
-Rajnikant has counted to infinity - twice
-When Rajnikant does a pushup, he isnt lifting himself up, he's pushing earth down
-Rajnikant is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
-Rajnikant doesnt wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
-Rajnikant gave Mona Lisa that smile
-Rajnikant can slam a revolving door
-Rajnikan's house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.41. Rajnikant grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
-If you google search "Rajnikant getting kicked"your search will generate 0 results. It just doesn't happen.
-The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Rajnikant kicked one of the corners off.
-There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Rajnikant lives in Chennai
-Rajnikant once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink
-The only thing that runs faster and longer than Rajnikant are his films.
-Rajnikant every step creates a mini whirlwind. Hurricane Katrina was the result of a morning jog.
-Where there is a will, there is a way. Where there is Rajnikant there is no other way.
-Rajni once wrote a cheque to a bank... and the bank bounced
-When Rajnikanth falls in water, Rajnikanth doesn't get wet. Water gets Rajnikanth
-Rajnikant doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
-Before Tom Cruise, RAJNIKANTH was approached for the movie "Mission Impossible"but he refused as he found the title insulting...!!!!
-Rajnikant’s house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
-Rajinikanth killed the Dead Sea.
-There is no such thing as evolution, it's just a list of creatures that Rajinikanth allowed to live
-Rajinikanth can judge a book by it's cover.
-Rajinikanth once ordered a plate of idli in McDonald's, and got it.
-Rajinikanth never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself in fear.
-Rajinikanth doesn't breathe. Air hides in his lungs for protection.
-Rajinikanth has already been to Mars, that's why there are no signs of life there.
-Google won't find Rajinikanth because you don't find Rajinikanth; Rajinikanth finds you.
-Rajinikanth goes to court and sentences the judge.
-Rajinikanth got small pox when he was a kid. As a result small pox is now eradicated.
-Words like awesomeness, brilliance, legendary etc. were added to the dictionary in the year 1949. That was the year Rajinikanth was born.
-Rajinikanth can answer a missed call.
-Rajinikanth doesn't need a visa to travel abroad, he just jumps from the tallest building in Chennai and holds himself in the air while the earth rotates.
-Archaeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined “victim” as “one who has encountered Rajinikant”.
- Rajinikant proves Newton wrong all the time. Every time he performs an action, he simply eliminates anything and everything that can provide the reaction.
-Aliens do indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Rajinikanth is on.
-We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Rajinikanth.
-If at first you don't succeed, you're not Rajinikanth.
-When Rajinikanth plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
-Rajnikanth`s pulse is measured in Richter scale.
-The new Rupee symbol is actually Rajnikanth`s signature.
-Rajnikanth can speak Braille.
-Rajanikanth can delete the Recycling Bin.
-Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Rajanikanth’ PC will crash.
-Ghosts are actually caused by Rajanikanth killing people faster than Death can process them.
-Rajanikanth can build a snowman….. out of rain.
-Rajanikanth can strangle you with a cordless phone.
-Rajanikanth can drown a fish.
-Rajanikanth can play the violin…… …with a piano.
-When Rajanikanth enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,……… …. he turns the dark off.
-Rajanikanth once had a heart attack…… ……… his heart lost.
-When Rajanikanth looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Rajanikanth and Rajanikanth.
-Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Rajanikanth can throw Brett Favre even further.
-The last digit of pi is Rajanikanth. He is the end of all things.
-Rajanikanth does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
-Bullets dodge Rajanikanth.
-A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Rajanikanth and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
-Rajanikanth’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Rajanikanth.
-If you spell Rajanikanth wrong on Google it doesn’t say, “Did you mean Rajanikanth?” It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance.”
-Rajanikanth can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
-Once a cobra bit Rajanikanth’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
-When Rajanikanth gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
-Rajanikanth can kill two stones with one bird.
-Rajanikanth was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
-Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Rajanikanth can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.
-There is no such thing as global warming. Rajanikanth was cold, so he turned the sun up.
-Rajanikanth can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
-Rajanikanth has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.
-It takes Rajanikanth 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
-Rajanikanth once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
-In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Rajanikanth could use to kill you, including the room itself.
-Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Rajanikanth.
-Rajanikanth got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.
-With the rising cost of gasoline, Rajanikanth is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
-The square root of Rajanikanth is pain. Do not try to square Rajanikanth, the result is death.
-When you say “no one’s perfect”, Rajanikanth takes this as a personal insult
-Rajnikanth can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
-Rajnikanth can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
-Rajnikanth will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
-Rajnikanth once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
-Rajnikanth email id is gmail@rajnikanth.com....
-Outer space exists because itsw afraid to be on the same planet with Rajnikant
-Rajnikant has counted to infinity - twice
-When Rajnikant does a pushup, he isnt lifting himself up, he's pushing earth down
-Rajnikant is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
-Rajnikant doesnt wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
-Rajnikant gave Mona Lisa that smile
-Rajnikant can slam a revolving door
-Rajnikan's house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.41. Rajnikant grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
-If you google search "Rajnikant getting kicked"your search will generate 0 results. It just doesn't happen.
-The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Rajnikant kicked one of the corners off.
-There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Rajnikant lives in Chennai
-Rajnikant once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink
-The only thing that runs faster and longer than Rajnikant are his films.
-Rajnikant every step creates a mini whirlwind. Hurricane Katrina was the result of a morning jog.
-Where there is a will, there is a way. Where there is Rajnikant there is no other way.
-Rajni once wrote a cheque to a bank... and the bank bounced
-When Rajnikanth falls in water, Rajnikanth doesn't get wet. Water gets Rajnikanth
-Rajnikant doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
-Before Tom Cruise, RAJNIKANTH was approached for the movie "Mission Impossible"but he refused as he found the title insulting...!!!!
-Rajnikant’s house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
-Rajinikanth killed the Dead Sea.
-There is no such thing as evolution, it's just a list of creatures that Rajinikanth allowed to live
-Rajinikanth can judge a book by it's cover.
-Rajinikanth once ordered a plate of idli in McDonald's, and got it.
-Rajinikanth never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself in fear.
-Rajinikanth doesn't breathe. Air hides in his lungs for protection.
-Rajinikanth has already been to Mars, that's why there are no signs of life there.
-Google won't find Rajinikanth because you don't find Rajinikanth; Rajinikanth finds you.
-Rajinikanth goes to court and sentences the judge.
-Rajinikanth got small pox when he was a kid. As a result small pox is now eradicated.
-Words like awesomeness, brilliance, legendary etc. were added to the dictionary in the year 1949. That was the year Rajinikanth was born.
-Rajinikanth can answer a missed call.
-Rajinikanth doesn't need a visa to travel abroad, he just jumps from the tallest building in Chennai and holds himself in the air while the earth rotates.
-Archaeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined “victim” as “one who has encountered Rajinikant”.
- Rajinikant proves Newton wrong all the time. Every time he performs an action, he simply eliminates anything and everything that can provide the reaction.
-Aliens do indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Rajinikanth is on.
-We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Rajinikanth.
-If at first you don't succeed, you're not Rajinikanth.
-When Rajinikanth plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
-Rajnikanth`s pulse is measured in Richter scale.
-The new Rupee symbol is actually Rajnikanth`s signature.
-Rajnikanth can speak Braille.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Mathematics
1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1
What is set theory?
When there are five people in the room and seven are leaving, two have to
enter the room, so it is empty.
Theorem : All numbers are equal to zero.
Proof: Suppose that a=b. Then
a = b
a^2 = ab
a^2 - b^2 = ab - b^2
(a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b)
a + b = b
a = 0
Theorem:
1 + 2 + 4 + 8 + 16 + ... = -1
Proof:
Let x = 1 + 2 + 4 + 8 + 16 + ...
=> 2x = 2 + 4 + 8 + 16 + ...
-------------------------------- -
-x = 1
x = -1
What is set theory?
When there are five people in the room and seven are leaving, two have to
enter the room, so it is empty.
Theorem : All numbers are equal to zero.
Proof: Suppose that a=b. Then
a = b
a^2 = ab
a^2 - b^2 = ab - b^2
(a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b)
a + b = b
a = 0
Theorem:
1 + 2 + 4 + 8 + 16 + ... = -1
Proof:
Let x = 1 + 2 + 4 + 8 + 16 + ...
=> 2x = 2 + 4 + 8 + 16 + ...
-------------------------------- -
-x = 1
x = -1
Thursday, September 2, 2010
When you dial a Mental Hospital....
RING...RING.....
Welcome to the Psychiatric Ward.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear
Welcome to the Psychiatric Ward.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Stupid Signs
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE
50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG
20p DO-IT-YOURSELF
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.
IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED...
OPEN TOMORROW.
Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH:
IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND.
ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED.
BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.....
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR
MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF..
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE
50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG
20p DO-IT-YOURSELF
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.
IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED...
OPEN TOMORROW.
Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH:
IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND.
ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED.
BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.....
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR
MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF..
Sunday, August 29, 2010
The Cow:
Essay on the cow
"The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadrupud, and because he is female, he give milk,but will do so when he is got child. He is same likeGod,sacred to Hindus and useful to man.But he has got four legs together.Two are forward and two are afterwards.
"His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. What can it do? Various ghee, butter,cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth.Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally.
"His motion is slow only because he is of asitudinious species.Also his other motion is much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes in hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating.Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass.
"His only attacking and defending organ is the horn, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards.
"He has got tails also, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side.This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohoa body whereupon he gives hit with it.
The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch.So the grasses head is not crushed.At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts his eyes like his relatives, the horse does not do so.
"This is the cow."
"His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. What can it do? Various ghee, butter,cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth.Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally.
"His motion is slow only because he is of asitudinious species.Also his other motion is much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes in hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating.Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass.
"His only attacking and defending organ is the horn, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards.
"He has got tails also, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side.This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohoa body whereupon he gives hit with it.
The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch.So the grasses head is not crushed.At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts his eyes like his relatives, the horse does not do so.
"This is the cow."
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