-Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
-Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
-When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
-Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
-What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
-I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.
-There are three sides of an arguement -- your side, my side and the right side.
-Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
-Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith...
-He's so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor.
-If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.
-My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
-Press any key to continue - where's the any key?
-I hope I didn't brain my damage.
-Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
-The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
-If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
-I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
-I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-I never said most of the things I said.
-I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
-I spent a year in that town one Sunday.
-If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
-If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
-If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
-If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.
-Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers.
-Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
-My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
-Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
-Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
-TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
-Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
-We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.
-When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
-Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
-Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies.
-Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep. In a giant blender.
-Eternity is really long, especially near the end
-Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes.
-Giving up smoking is easy. I've done it hundreds of times.
-Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
-He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
-He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.
-I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
-I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
-I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
-I just love Chinese food. My favourite dish is number 27.
-I love everything about you. Your lips, your eyes, your voice. The only thing I can't stand is you.
-I love mankind. It's people I can't stand.
-If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
-If it sells, it's art.
-In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol and it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.
-In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
-My ex-husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.
-She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
-Thank God I'm an atheist.
-The Americans will always do the right thing . . . After they've exhausted all the alternatives.
-They misunderestimated me.
-When I'm good, I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better.
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