Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.
Question: Who was the survivor?
(Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)
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Thursday, September 30, 2010
The Court Reporter
Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down by court reporters
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Upgrading boyfriend
Dear Tech Support,
Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and overnight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system.
Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or house-cleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness.
Can you help, please!!
Sincerely,
XXX
Dear XXX,
This is a
Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and overnight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system.
Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or house-cleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness.
Can you help, please!!
Sincerely,
XXX
Dear XXX,
This is a
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Why did the chicken cross the road..???
MOHAMMED SAEED AL-SAHAF (COMICAL ALI):
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.
TONY BLAIR:
I agree with George.
HANS BLIX:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
MARTIN LUTHER KING Jr:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.
TONY BLAIR:
I agree with George.
HANS BLIX:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
MARTIN LUTHER KING Jr:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
You need money...??
Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son...
Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride".
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."
Next Jack approaches Bill Gates...
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case..."
Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank...
Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case....."
This is how business is done.
Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride".
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."
Next Jack approaches Bill Gates...
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case..."
Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank...
Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case....."
This is how business is done.
Huband n Wife...
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........
"HEBREWS"
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........
"HEBREWS"
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Company Procedure
Please read below:
Company Policy:
Effective from January 2005
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Company Policy:
Effective from January 2005
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Grass Eater
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.
"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, please come to my house!" "But sir, I have a wife and four children..." "Bring them along!" the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."
The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.
"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, please come to my house!" "But sir, I have a wife and four children..." "Bring them along!" the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."
The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"
Who wants 2 be a millionare.??
A contestant Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau.
If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
$1,000,000.
If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000
milestone money.
And as she suspected the Million Dollar Question was no pushover.
It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build
its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture
If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
$1,000,000.
If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000
milestone money.
And as she suspected the Million Dollar Question was no pushover.
It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build
its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture
Gordon Brown Fan !
A teacher asked her class how many of them were Gordon Brown fans.
Not really knowing what a Gordon Brown fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...again.
Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not a Gordon Brown fan.'
The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Gordon Brown fan?'
Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Conservative.'
The teacher asked him why he's a Conservative.
Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mum's a Conservative and my Dad's a Conservative, so I'm a Conservative.'
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your Mum was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'
Little Johnny replied, 'A Gordon Brown fan.'
Not really knowing what a Gordon Brown fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...again.
Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not a Gordon Brown fan.'
The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Gordon Brown fan?'
Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Conservative.'
The teacher asked him why he's a Conservative.
Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mum's a Conservative and my Dad's a Conservative, so I'm a Conservative.'
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your Mum was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'
Little Johnny replied, 'A Gordon Brown fan.'
Choosing Password
During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT by my bank, they found that I was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin
When they asked me why I had such a long password
I replied
''Are you bloomin' stupid? I was told that my password had to
be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin
When they asked me why I had such a long password
I replied
''Are you bloomin' stupid? I was told that my password had to
be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''
Dear Dad
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and that everything was picked up and tidy.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,
'Dad.'
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter, with trembling hands.
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings',
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know
your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in
life than the School report that's on the kitchen table.
was nicely made, and that everything was picked up and tidy.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,
'Dad.'
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter, with trembling hands.
_______________________________________________________________________
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings',
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know
your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in
life than the School report that's on the kitchen table.
Eleven People on a Rope
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. Ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping
KHIDKIYAN
If Microsoft plans to release a windows version in Hindi, Here
are some Windows related terms that may be used in the
Hindi version of... Khidkiyan2000:
Phaail = File
Bachao = Save
Aise Bachao = Save as
Subko Bachao = Save All
Mujhe Bachao = Help
Dhoondo = Find
Firse Dhoondo = Find Again
Hilao = Move
Daak = Mail
Daakiya = Mailer
Paas se dhekho = Zoom
Duur se dhekho = Zoom Out
Kholo = Open
Bandh Karo = Close
Naya = New
Khatara = Old
Badli Karo = Replace
Bhaago = Run
Chhaapo = Print
Dekh Ke Chhaapo = Print Preview
Kaapi = Copy
Kaato = Cut
Kato = Stupid Houseguest
Chipkao = Paste
Payshul Chipkao = Paste Special
Goli Maaro = Delete
Nazaara = View
Hathiyaar = Tools
Hathiyaar Khambha = Toolbar
Khuli Chaadar = Spreadsheet
Iska Bhi Naam Nahin Aata = Database
Futaas Ki Goli Kha = Exit
Ped = Tree
Thooso = Compress
Chooha = mouse
Tik-Tik Karo = Click
Idhar-se-Udhar.Udhar-se-Idhar = Scrollbar
are some Windows related terms that may be used in the
Hindi version of... Khidkiyan2000:
Phaail = File
Bachao = Save
Aise Bachao = Save as
Subko Bachao = Save All
Mujhe Bachao = Help
Dhoondo = Find
Firse Dhoondo = Find Again
Hilao = Move
Daak = Mail
Daakiya = Mailer
Paas se dhekho = Zoom
Duur se dhekho = Zoom Out
Kholo = Open
Bandh Karo = Close
Naya = New
Khatara = Old
Badli Karo = Replace
Bhaago = Run
Chhaapo = Print
Dekh Ke Chhaapo = Print Preview
Kaapi = Copy
Kaato = Cut
Kato = Stupid Houseguest
Chipkao = Paste
Payshul Chipkao = Paste Special
Goli Maaro = Delete
Nazaara = View
Hathiyaar = Tools
Hathiyaar Khambha = Toolbar
Khuli Chaadar = Spreadsheet
Iska Bhi Naam Nahin Aata = Database
Futaas Ki Goli Kha = Exit
Ped = Tree
Thooso = Compress
Chooha = mouse
Tik-Tik Karo = Click
Idhar-se-Udhar.Udhar-se-Idhar = Scrollbar
Sweetheart
Dear Sweetheart:
I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart
Your husband
Allen
His wife replied back after some days to her husband:
Dearest sweetheart,
Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.
1.. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2.. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3.. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three
kisses instead of the rent.
4.. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items...........
5.. Other expenses 40 kisses
Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.
Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise !!!
Your Sweet Heart
The Right Tie
While we were working at a men's clothing store, a customer asked my coworker to help her pick out a tie that would make her husband's blue eyes stand out.
"Ma'am," he explained, "any tie will make blue eyes stand out if you tie it tight enough.
What do u see..??
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
* Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
* Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
* Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
* Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
* Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
* Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
* Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
* Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
* Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
* Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!
* Practically, Someone has stolen our tent!"
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Physics Jokes
At the physics exam: "Describe the universe in 200 words and give three examples."
The Stanford Linear Accelerator Center was known as SLAC, until the big earthquake, when it became known as SPLAC.
SPLAC? Stanford Piecewise Linear Accelerator.
A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train?
Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature.
The answer to the problem was 'log(1+x)'. A student copied the answer from the good student next to him, but didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to 'timber(1+x)'
One day in class, Richard Feynman was talking about angular momentum. He described rotation matrices and mentioned that they did not commute. He said that Sir William Hamilton discovered noncommutivity one night when he was taking a walk in his garden with Lady Hamilton. As they sat down on a bench, there was a moment of passion. It was then that he discovered that AB did not equal BA.
The experimentalist comes running excitedly into the theorist's office, waving a graph taken off his latest experiment. 'Hmmm,' says the theorist, 'That's exactly where you'd expect to see that peak. Here's the reason (long logical explanation follows).' In the middle of it, the experimentalist says 'Wait a minute', studies the chart for a second, and says, 'Oops, this is upside down.' He fixes it. 'Hmmm,' says the theorist, 'you'd expect to see a dip in exactly that position. Here's the reason...'.
A Princeton plasma physicist is at the beach when he discovers an ancient looking oil lantern sticking out of the sand. He rubs the sand off with a towel and a genie pops out. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The physicist retrieves a map of the world from his car an circles the Middle East and tells the genie, 'I wish you to bring peace in this region'.
After 10 long minutes of deliberation, the genie replies, 'Gee, there are lots of problems there with Lebanon, Iraq, Israel, and all those other places. This is awfully embarrassing. I've never had to do this before, but I'm just going to have to ask you for another wish. This one is just too much for me'.
Taken aback, the physicist thinks a bit and asks, 'I wish that the Princeton tokamak would achieve scientific fusion energy break-even.'
After another deliberation the genie asks, 'Could I see that map again?'
The Stanford Linear Accelerator Center was known as SLAC, until the big earthquake, when it became known as SPLAC.
SPLAC? Stanford Piecewise Linear Accelerator.
A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train?
Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature.
The answer to the problem was 'log(1+x)'. A student copied the answer from the good student next to him, but didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to 'timber(1+x)'
One day in class, Richard Feynman was talking about angular momentum. He described rotation matrices and mentioned that they did not commute. He said that Sir William Hamilton discovered noncommutivity one night when he was taking a walk in his garden with Lady Hamilton. As they sat down on a bench, there was a moment of passion. It was then that he discovered that AB did not equal BA.
The experimentalist comes running excitedly into the theorist's office, waving a graph taken off his latest experiment. 'Hmmm,' says the theorist, 'That's exactly where you'd expect to see that peak. Here's the reason (long logical explanation follows).' In the middle of it, the experimentalist says 'Wait a minute', studies the chart for a second, and says, 'Oops, this is upside down.' He fixes it. 'Hmmm,' says the theorist, 'you'd expect to see a dip in exactly that position. Here's the reason...'.
A Princeton plasma physicist is at the beach when he discovers an ancient looking oil lantern sticking out of the sand. He rubs the sand off with a towel and a genie pops out. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The physicist retrieves a map of the world from his car an circles the Middle East and tells the genie, 'I wish you to bring peace in this region'.
After 10 long minutes of deliberation, the genie replies, 'Gee, there are lots of problems there with Lebanon, Iraq, Israel, and all those other places. This is awfully embarrassing. I've never had to do this before, but I'm just going to have to ask you for another wish. This one is just too much for me'.
Taken aback, the physicist thinks a bit and asks, 'I wish that the Princeton tokamak would achieve scientific fusion energy break-even.'
After another deliberation the genie asks, 'Could I see that map again?'
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Hundreds for one
One train which was going peacefully on the rail-tracks suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the fields nearby and then came back on the tracks. The passengers were horrified.
On the next Railway station the driver was caught: He was questioned how the incident happened.
He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving from there even after lots of honks etc.
Then authorities questioned : Are you mad! just to save life of one person you put life of so many passengers under danger. You should have overran that person.
The driver replied: “Exactly, that is what I also decided, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close.”
Car driver
A car owner taking interview of a driver and finally he told, “OK. you are selected and you will get $ 2000 as starting salary.”
The driver answered, “You are great Sir ! For starting if $2000 then for driving how much sir?
IT husband
Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer.
Husband: (Returning late from work) “Good Evening Dear, I’m now logged in.”
Wife: Have you brought the grocery?
Husband: Bad command or file name.
Wife: But I told you in the morning
Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife: What about my new TV?
Husband: Variable not found…
Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied…
Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband: Too many parameters…
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband: Data type mismatch.
Wife: You are useless.
Husband: It’s by Default.
Wife: What about your Salary?
Husband: File in use… Try after some time.
Wife: What is my value in the family.
Husband: Unknown Virus.
Saving a president
One day Bush was out jogging and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river.
Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.
After cleaning up he said, “Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I’ll give it to you.”
The first boy said, “Please, I’d like a ticket to Disneyland!”
“I’ll personally hand it to you,” said Bush. “I’d like a pair of Nike Air Turbos,” the second boy said.
“I’ll buy them myself and give them to you,” said Bush. “And I’d like a wheelchair with a stereo in it,” said the third boy.
“I’ll personally … wait a second, son, you’re not handicapped!”
“No, but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved from drowning.”
Life chapters
6 weeks: I love U, I love U, I love U
6 months: Of course I love U
6 years: GOD, if I didn’t love U, then why the hell did I propose?
Back from Work:
6 weeks: Honey, I’m home
6 months: BACK!!
6 years: What did your mom cook for us today?
Gifts:
6 weeks: Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months: I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living Room.
6 years: Here’s the money. Buy yourself something.
Phone Ringing:
6 weeks: Baby,somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months: Here, for you.
6 years: PHONE RINGING.
Cooking:
6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years: AGAIN!!
Apology:
6 weeks: Honey muffin, don’t you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months: Watch out! Don’t do it again.
6 years: What’s not to understand about what I just said??
New Dress:
6 weeks: Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months: You bought a new dress again?
6 years: How much did THAT cost me?
Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks: How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound?
6 months: What’s so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years: Travel? What’s so bad about staying home?
TV Shows:
6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months: I like this movie.
6 years: I’m going to watch ESPN, if you’re not in the mood, go to Bed, I can stay up by myself!
Dracula’s test
Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner!
So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood.
Dracula says, “Congratulations, how did you do that?” The bat said, “Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family.”
“Very good” said Dracula.
The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Astonished Dracula says, “How did you do that?”
The bat replies, “Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children.”
“Impressive” said Dracula.
Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned.
“How on earth did you do that?” he asked.
And the bat replies, “Do you see this tower?”
Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says, “Well, I didn’t.”
Confidential fax
Manager: “Do you know anything about this fax-machine?”
Staff: “A little. What’s wrong sir?”
Manager: “Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened.”
Staff: “How did you load the sheet?”
Manager: “I didn’t want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it.”
Intellegent father
Banta and and son went fishing one day. Sitting in the boat for a couple of hours gave them not much to do, so the son started thinking about the world around him. He began to get curious so he asked his father some questions.
“How does this boat float?”
Banta thought for a moment, then replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”
The boy returned to his contemplation, but soon came up with another one, “How do fish breath underwater?”
Once again Banta replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”
A little later the boy asked Banta, “Why is the sky blue?”
Again, Banta replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he said, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?”
Banta immediately assured him, “Of course not, son. If you don’t ask questions, you’ll never learn anything!”
How to go to Heaven
I asked the children in my Sunday School class, “If I sold my house and my car, held a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?”
“No!” the children all answered.
Then I said, “If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?”
Again, the answer was, “No!”
“Well,” I continued, “Then how can I get to heaven?”
A five-year-old boy shouted out, “You gotta be dead!”
The Broken doll
Little Emily, the minister’s daughter, ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.
“What’s wrong, dear?” asked the pastor.
“My doll! Billy broke it!” she sobbed.
“How did he break it, Emily?”
“I hit him over the head with it.”
Train Crash
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”
Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”
“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.
“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there”, answers Tom.
“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.
“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”
“What if the phone was busy?”
“In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station”.
“What if that had been vandalized?”
“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo”.
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”
“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”
Ideal Husband
In A Bar, A Man Attend Da Call Of A Ringing Mobile.
Man: Hello!
Wife: Darling Shall I Buy 1 Diamond Ring?
Man: Sure Honey!
Wife: Shall I Use Your Credit Card For Crystal Pendant?
Man: Ok Dear!
Friends: Great To See That You Love Her So Much!
Man: Hmm... By The Way, Whose Mobile Is This?!?
Man: Hello!
Wife: Darling Shall I Buy 1 Diamond Ring?
Man: Sure Honey!
Wife: Shall I Use Your Credit Card For Crystal Pendant?
Man: Ok Dear!
Friends: Great To See That You Love Her So Much!
Man: Hmm... By The Way, Whose Mobile Is This?!?
Niagra falls
Guide: I Welcome You All To Niagra Falls. This Is The World's Largest Waterfall & The Sound Intensity Of The Waterfall Is So High, Even 20 Supersonic Planes Passing By Can't Be Heard!
Now May I Request The Ladies To Keep Quiet So That We Can Hear The Niagra Falls......."
Now May I Request The Ladies To Keep Quiet So That We Can Hear The Niagra Falls......."
Monday, September 20, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
SMS jokes - 2
R u Fed Up vth 4Wrd Msgs..
Read dis 1
'gnineve dug'' yad ecin a evah'
Dis Is Not a Fwd Msg..
Dis Is a Bckwd Msg..
.
B-):-P;-):-D
Finally Brilliance proved-
Teacher: Which Was The First Silent Film In English?
Sardar: If The Film Was Silent, How Could u Know It Was in English??:-p
Tcher 2 sleepy student:Who
Invented Steam Engine?
Student: Wht sir?
T:Yes correct
It's James Watt
Moral:Sleeping is improve ur
genaral knowledge.
Law Of Cnservtion Of Knowledge:- dis law states dat, watevr b d topic n whoevr b d teacher, knwldge b4 d lectre & aftr d lecture alwys remains constnt...!!!
This is for ADULTS Only. . .
If you are
Under the Age of 18,
Please Please
Don’t read this sms..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Election is coming,
Please Do Vote.!
Read dis 1
'gnineve dug'' yad ecin a evah'
Dis Is Not a Fwd Msg..
Dis Is a Bckwd Msg..
.
B-):-P;-):-D
Finally Brilliance proved-
Teacher: Which Was The First Silent Film In English?
Sardar: If The Film Was Silent, How Could u Know It Was in English??:-p
Tcher 2 sleepy student:Who
Invented Steam Engine?
Student: Wht sir?
T:Yes correct
It's James Watt
Moral:Sleeping is improve ur
genaral knowledge.
Law Of Cnservtion Of Knowledge:- dis law states dat, watevr b d topic n whoevr b d teacher, knwldge b4 d lectre & aftr d lecture alwys remains constnt...!!!
This is for ADULTS Only. . .
If you are
Under the Age of 18,
Please Please
Don’t read this sms..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Election is coming,
Please Do Vote.!
School jokes
SCHOOL JOKES
HOW CHILDREN DRIVE THEIR TEACHERS CRAZY !
Laugh and the class laughs with you.
But you get detention alone !!
Mother: What did you learn in school today
Son: How to write
Mother: What did you write?
Son: I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet!
Teacher: Class, we will have only half days school this morning.
Class: Hooray
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon
Student: The brain is a wonder full thing
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Student: Because it starts working the second you get up in the morning and never stops until you get asked a question in class!
Teacher: Be sure that you go straight home
Student: I can't, I live just round the corner!
HOW CHILDREN DRIVE THEIR TEACHERS CRAZY !
Laugh and the class laughs with you.
But you get detention alone !!
Mother: What did you learn in school today
Son: How to write
Mother: What did you write?
Son: I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet!
Teacher: Class, we will have only half days school this morning.
Class: Hooray
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon
Student: The brain is a wonder full thing
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Student: Because it starts working the second you get up in the morning and never stops until you get asked a question in class!
Teacher: Be sure that you go straight home
Student: I can't, I live just round the corner!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Brazil
The Secretary of Defense is briefing President Bush on Iraq. "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "That's terrible!"
His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.
Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "That's terrible!"
His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.
Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
The Power of a Badge
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life - chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...
"Your badge! Show him your BADGE!"
The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life - chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...
"Your badge! Show him your BADGE!"
The Elevator
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Conversation...
between Condeliza Rice and George Bush featuring: Hu Jintao, President of China, UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan and the late PLO Chief Yasser Arafat.
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinese guy!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
Nutrition & Exercise: The Facts
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat; your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain....Good.
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat; your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain....Good.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
SMS jokes - 1
A lesson frm Grammer:
"The past will always be simple. The Future will always be Perfect & the Present will always be Tensed..!" :
Value of a true friend:
when u like 2 walk in the rain, i'll b there with an umbrella...
just 2 prevent SOIL EROSION from ur HEAD...
Happy news!
The world will not end in 2012 bcoz just now i saw a tomato ketchup bottle which expires in
2013....!
Smile plz...
:)
A really smart statement!..
.
"I may not always love all the girls who loved me....
But i surely do respect n appreciate their choice....!!"
Sucide tips 4 boys:-
1-Tk big rope tie it around ur neck & Hang ur self...
2-Slow deth; tk a small rope tie it on a girl"s neck n marry.
DEFINITION OF LAZINESS-
" It is the art of taking rest before getting tired ":
For The First Time In India,I Am Introducing A "3D" Msg In Ur Mobile.
.
Thank u-thank u,
no publicity please.
"The past will always be simple. The Future will always be Perfect & the Present will always be Tensed..!" :
Value of a true friend:
when u like 2 walk in the rain, i'll b there with an umbrella...
just 2 prevent SOIL EROSION from ur HEAD...
Happy news!
The world will not end in 2012 bcoz just now i saw a tomato ketchup bottle which expires in
2013....!
Smile plz...
:)
A really smart statement!..
.
"I may not always love all the girls who loved me....
But i surely do respect n appreciate their choice....!!"
Sucide tips 4 boys:-
1-Tk big rope tie it around ur neck & Hang ur self...
2-Slow deth; tk a small rope tie it on a girl"s neck n marry.
DEFINITION OF LAZINESS-
" It is the art of taking rest before getting tired ":
For The First Time In India,I Am Introducing A "3D" Msg In Ur Mobile.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"D D D"
Thank u-thank u,
no publicity please.
Divorce
Judge asks a little Kid: Now that your parents are getting divorced do you want to live with your mummy?
Kid: No, my mummy beats me.
Judge: Well then, I guess you want to live with your daddy.
Kid: No, my daddy beats me too.
Judge: Well then, who do you want to live with?
Kid: I want to live with the Indian Cricket team, they never beat anybody !!!
Kid: No, my mummy beats me.
Judge: Well then, I guess you want to live with your daddy.
Kid: No, my daddy beats me too.
Judge: Well then, who do you want to live with?
Kid: I want to live with the Indian Cricket team, they never beat anybody !!!
Reservations
Indian Prime Minister: We are sending Indians to the moon next year!
US President: Wow! How many?
Indian Prime Minister: 7 OBC, 5 SC, 8 ST, 3 Handicapped, 2 Sports Persons, 3 Terrorist Affected, 3 Kashmiri Migrants, 2 MPs & 1 Astronaut.
US President: Wow! How many?
Indian Prime Minister: 7 OBC, 5 SC, 8 ST, 3 Handicapped, 2 Sports Persons, 3 Terrorist Affected, 3 Kashmiri Migrants, 2 MPs & 1 Astronaut.
Dog nd Cat
A dog thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house, and take good care of me... They must be gods!
A cat thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house and take good care of me...
I must be a god!
A cat thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house and take good care of me...
I must be a god!
Santa Banta..
Titanic was sinking.
Santa: How much the earth is far from here?
Banta: 1 kilo meter.
Santa jumped into the sea and asked again: "...In which direction?"
Banta: Downwards !
Santa: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Banta: Yes, their dog is our dog's brother.
Santa: How much the earth is far from here?
Banta: 1 kilo meter.
Santa jumped into the sea and asked again: "...In which direction?"
Banta: Downwards !
Santa: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Banta: Yes, their dog is our dog's brother.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Numbered Jokes...
A new jail warden was being shown through the jailhouse by the old warden.
Soon, after making rounds around the rest of the jail, they get to the cafeteria. In one corner, he sees a group of elderly men laughing hysterically.
Interested, he watches them while the older warden gets his food. One of the men shouts out "63!" and the entire table bursts out laughing. The new warden is totally baffled by the behavior of them. "74!", again a chorus of guffaws ring out.
The old warden comes back to the table where the new warden sits staring, and the new warden asks "What are those elderly men doing."
The old warden smirks, and says, "Oh, those are the life timers. They've been in here so long, they just number their jokes."
Meanwhile another one calls out "2!". Nobody laughs.
The new warden leans over and asks, "What happened?" To this the old warden replied, "Some people just can't tell a joke."
Soon, after making rounds around the rest of the jail, they get to the cafeteria. In one corner, he sees a group of elderly men laughing hysterically.
Interested, he watches them while the older warden gets his food. One of the men shouts out "63!" and the entire table bursts out laughing. The new warden is totally baffled by the behavior of them. "74!", again a chorus of guffaws ring out.
The old warden comes back to the table where the new warden sits staring, and the new warden asks "What are those elderly men doing."
The old warden smirks, and says, "Oh, those are the life timers. They've been in here so long, they just number their jokes."
Meanwhile another one calls out "2!". Nobody laughs.
The new warden leans over and asks, "What happened?" To this the old warden replied, "Some people just can't tell a joke."
Monday, September 6, 2010
Confusing English....
Now i know why i failed in english.
It's not my fault but the silly language doesn't quite know whether it's coming or going
There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple...
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people
recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship?
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
When a house burns up, it burns down.
You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France.
How can 'slim chance and a fat chance' be the same, while ' wise man and a wise guy' are opposites?
Consider the following sentenses...
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
They were too close to the door to close it.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
It's not my fault but the silly language doesn't quite know whether it's coming or going
There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple...
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people
recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship?
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
When a house burns up, it burns down.
You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France.
How can 'slim chance and a fat chance' be the same, while ' wise man and a wise guy' are opposites?
Consider the following sentenses...
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
They were too close to the door to close it.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Thoughts...
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If you had amnesia and then were cured, would you remember that you forgot?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Do hyenas laugh even when they are being killed?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
When you have your picture taken with Mickey Mouse at Disneyland, does the guy inside the costume smile for the camera?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in
the universe you will believe them but if they tell you a wall has
wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If you had amnesia and then were cured, would you remember that you forgot?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Do hyenas laugh even when they are being killed?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
When you have your picture taken with Mickey Mouse at Disneyland, does the guy inside the costume smile for the camera?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in
the universe you will believe them but if they tell you a wall has
wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Its Kanth.... Rajanikanth
-Rajanikanth makes onions cry.
-Rajanikanth can delete the Recycling Bin.
-Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Rajanikanth’ PC will crash.
-Ghosts are actually caused by Rajanikanth killing people faster than Death can process them.
-Rajanikanth can build a snowman….. out of rain.
-Rajanikanth can strangle you with a cordless phone.
-Rajanikanth can drown a fish.
-Rajanikanth can play the violin…… …with a piano.
-When Rajanikanth enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,……… …. he turns the dark off.
-Rajanikanth once had a heart attack…… ……… his heart lost.
-When Rajanikanth looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Rajanikanth and Rajanikanth.
-Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Rajanikanth can throw Brett Favre even further.
-The last digit of pi is Rajanikanth. He is the end of all things.
-Rajanikanth does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
-Bullets dodge Rajanikanth.
-A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Rajanikanth and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
-Rajanikanth’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Rajanikanth.
-If you spell Rajanikanth wrong on Google it doesn’t say, “Did you mean Rajanikanth?” It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance.”
-Rajanikanth can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
-Once a cobra bit Rajanikanth’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
-When Rajanikanth gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
-Rajanikanth can kill two stones with one bird.
-Rajanikanth was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
-Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Rajanikanth can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.
-There is no such thing as global warming. Rajanikanth was cold, so he turned the sun up.
-Rajanikanth can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
-Rajanikanth has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.
-It takes Rajanikanth 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
-Rajanikanth once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
-In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Rajanikanth could use to kill you, including the room itself.
-Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Rajanikanth.
-Rajanikanth got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.
-With the rising cost of gasoline, Rajanikanth is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
-The square root of Rajanikanth is pain. Do not try to square Rajanikanth, the result is death.
-When you say “no one’s perfect”, Rajanikanth takes this as a personal insult
-Rajnikanth can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
-Rajnikanth can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
-Rajnikanth will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
-Rajnikanth once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
-Rajnikanth email id is gmail@rajnikanth.com....
-Outer space exists because itsw afraid to be on the same planet with Rajnikant
-Rajnikant has counted to infinity - twice
-When Rajnikant does a pushup, he isnt lifting himself up, he's pushing earth down
-Rajnikant is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
-Rajnikant doesnt wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
-Rajnikant gave Mona Lisa that smile
-Rajnikant can slam a revolving door
-Rajnikan's house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.41. Rajnikant grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
-If you google search "Rajnikant getting kicked"your search will generate 0 results. It just doesn't happen.
-The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Rajnikant kicked one of the corners off.
-There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Rajnikant lives in Chennai
-Rajnikant once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink
-The only thing that runs faster and longer than Rajnikant are his films.
-Rajnikant every step creates a mini whirlwind. Hurricane Katrina was the result of a morning jog.
-Where there is a will, there is a way. Where there is Rajnikant there is no other way.
-Rajni once wrote a cheque to a bank... and the bank bounced
-When Rajnikanth falls in water, Rajnikanth doesn't get wet. Water gets Rajnikanth
-Rajnikant doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
-Before Tom Cruise, RAJNIKANTH was approached for the movie "Mission Impossible"but he refused as he found the title insulting...!!!!
-Rajnikant’s house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
-Rajinikanth killed the Dead Sea.
-There is no such thing as evolution, it's just a list of creatures that Rajinikanth allowed to live
-Rajinikanth can judge a book by it's cover.
-Rajinikanth once ordered a plate of idli in McDonald's, and got it.
-Rajinikanth never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself in fear.
-Rajinikanth doesn't breathe. Air hides in his lungs for protection.
-Rajinikanth has already been to Mars, that's why there are no signs of life there.
-Google won't find Rajinikanth because you don't find Rajinikanth; Rajinikanth finds you.
-Rajinikanth goes to court and sentences the judge.
-Rajinikanth got small pox when he was a kid. As a result small pox is now eradicated.
-Words like awesomeness, brilliance, legendary etc. were added to the dictionary in the year 1949. That was the year Rajinikanth was born.
-Rajinikanth can answer a missed call.
-Rajinikanth doesn't need a visa to travel abroad, he just jumps from the tallest building in Chennai and holds himself in the air while the earth rotates.
-Archaeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined “victim” as “one who has encountered Rajinikant”.
- Rajinikant proves Newton wrong all the time. Every time he performs an action, he simply eliminates anything and everything that can provide the reaction.
-Aliens do indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Rajinikanth is on.
-We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Rajinikanth.
-If at first you don't succeed, you're not Rajinikanth.
-When Rajinikanth plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
-Rajnikanth`s pulse is measured in Richter scale.
-The new Rupee symbol is actually Rajnikanth`s signature.
-Rajnikanth can speak Braille.
-Rajanikanth can delete the Recycling Bin.
-Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Rajanikanth’ PC will crash.
-Ghosts are actually caused by Rajanikanth killing people faster than Death can process them.
-Rajanikanth can build a snowman….. out of rain.
-Rajanikanth can strangle you with a cordless phone.
-Rajanikanth can drown a fish.
-Rajanikanth can play the violin…… …with a piano.
-When Rajanikanth enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,……… …. he turns the dark off.
-Rajanikanth once had a heart attack…… ……… his heart lost.
-When Rajanikanth looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Rajanikanth and Rajanikanth.
-Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Rajanikanth can throw Brett Favre even further.
-The last digit of pi is Rajanikanth. He is the end of all things.
-Rajanikanth does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
-Bullets dodge Rajanikanth.
-A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Rajanikanth and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
-Rajanikanth’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Rajanikanth.
-If you spell Rajanikanth wrong on Google it doesn’t say, “Did you mean Rajanikanth?” It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance.”
-Rajanikanth can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
-Once a cobra bit Rajanikanth’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
-When Rajanikanth gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
-Rajanikanth can kill two stones with one bird.
-Rajanikanth was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
-Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Rajanikanth can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.
-There is no such thing as global warming. Rajanikanth was cold, so he turned the sun up.
-Rajanikanth can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
-Rajanikanth has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.
-It takes Rajanikanth 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
-Rajanikanth once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
-In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Rajanikanth could use to kill you, including the room itself.
-Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Rajanikanth.
-Rajanikanth got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.
-With the rising cost of gasoline, Rajanikanth is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
-The square root of Rajanikanth is pain. Do not try to square Rajanikanth, the result is death.
-When you say “no one’s perfect”, Rajanikanth takes this as a personal insult
-Rajnikanth can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
-Rajnikanth can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
-Rajnikanth will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
-Rajnikanth once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
-Rajnikanth email id is gmail@rajnikanth.com....
-Outer space exists because itsw afraid to be on the same planet with Rajnikant
-Rajnikant has counted to infinity - twice
-When Rajnikant does a pushup, he isnt lifting himself up, he's pushing earth down
-Rajnikant is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
-Rajnikant doesnt wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
-Rajnikant gave Mona Lisa that smile
-Rajnikant can slam a revolving door
-Rajnikan's house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.41. Rajnikant grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
-If you google search "Rajnikant getting kicked"your search will generate 0 results. It just doesn't happen.
-The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Rajnikant kicked one of the corners off.
-There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Rajnikant lives in Chennai
-Rajnikant once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink
-The only thing that runs faster and longer than Rajnikant are his films.
-Rajnikant every step creates a mini whirlwind. Hurricane Katrina was the result of a morning jog.
-Where there is a will, there is a way. Where there is Rajnikant there is no other way.
-Rajni once wrote a cheque to a bank... and the bank bounced
-When Rajnikanth falls in water, Rajnikanth doesn't get wet. Water gets Rajnikanth
-Rajnikant doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
-Before Tom Cruise, RAJNIKANTH was approached for the movie "Mission Impossible"but he refused as he found the title insulting...!!!!
-Rajnikant’s house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
-Rajinikanth killed the Dead Sea.
-There is no such thing as evolution, it's just a list of creatures that Rajinikanth allowed to live
-Rajinikanth can judge a book by it's cover.
-Rajinikanth once ordered a plate of idli in McDonald's, and got it.
-Rajinikanth never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself in fear.
-Rajinikanth doesn't breathe. Air hides in his lungs for protection.
-Rajinikanth has already been to Mars, that's why there are no signs of life there.
-Google won't find Rajinikanth because you don't find Rajinikanth; Rajinikanth finds you.
-Rajinikanth goes to court and sentences the judge.
-Rajinikanth got small pox when he was a kid. As a result small pox is now eradicated.
-Words like awesomeness, brilliance, legendary etc. were added to the dictionary in the year 1949. That was the year Rajinikanth was born.
-Rajinikanth can answer a missed call.
-Rajinikanth doesn't need a visa to travel abroad, he just jumps from the tallest building in Chennai and holds himself in the air while the earth rotates.
-Archaeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined “victim” as “one who has encountered Rajinikant”.
- Rajinikant proves Newton wrong all the time. Every time he performs an action, he simply eliminates anything and everything that can provide the reaction.
-Aliens do indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Rajinikanth is on.
-We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Rajinikanth.
-If at first you don't succeed, you're not Rajinikanth.
-When Rajinikanth plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
-Rajnikanth`s pulse is measured in Richter scale.
-The new Rupee symbol is actually Rajnikanth`s signature.
-Rajnikanth can speak Braille.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Mathematics
1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1
What is set theory?
When there are five people in the room and seven are leaving, two have to
enter the room, so it is empty.
Theorem : All numbers are equal to zero.
Proof: Suppose that a=b. Then
a = b
a^2 = ab
a^2 - b^2 = ab - b^2
(a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b)
a + b = b
a = 0
Theorem:
1 + 2 + 4 + 8 + 16 + ... = -1
Proof:
Let x = 1 + 2 + 4 + 8 + 16 + ...
=> 2x = 2 + 4 + 8 + 16 + ...
-------------------------------- -
-x = 1
x = -1
What is set theory?
When there are five people in the room and seven are leaving, two have to
enter the room, so it is empty.
Theorem : All numbers are equal to zero.
Proof: Suppose that a=b. Then
a = b
a^2 = ab
a^2 - b^2 = ab - b^2
(a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b)
a + b = b
a = 0
Theorem:
1 + 2 + 4 + 8 + 16 + ... = -1
Proof:
Let x = 1 + 2 + 4 + 8 + 16 + ...
=> 2x = 2 + 4 + 8 + 16 + ...
-------------------------------- -
-x = 1
x = -1
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