-A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.
-Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
-Trouble defies the law of gravity. It's easier to pick up than to drop
-The latest new dance craze is called, "The Politician." It's two steps forward, one step backward, and then a sidestep
-An alarm clock is a device that wakes you up just in time to go back to sleep.
-An optimist will tell you the glass is half-full; the pessimist, half-empty; and the engineer will tell you the glass is twice the size it needs to be
-Cheese… milk's leap toward immortality
-Everybody is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes.
-Free advice is the kind that costs you nothing unless you act upon it
-As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
-Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
-I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it
-The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
-I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
-I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
-For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
-Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?
-Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
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